House of Cards: An LGBTQIA2+ Podcast
House of Cards: An LGBTQIA2+ Podcast

Episode 83 · 5 months ago

House of Cards: An LGBTQIA2+ Myths and Stories: Like totally whatever, Marrying the hangman, and Song of the Pretty Bird.


We hoped you enjoyed part three of our myths and stories following Simones Poems and tales that she selected. Make sure to tune into next week to hear the story Jaxson has planned to read.. Remember you are vaild as fuck, and stay gay.

Twitter: @LGBT_deck

Instagram: @houseofcards_podcast

Tiktok: @houseofcardslgbt

Written by Avery Ann

Edited by Jaxson Stiles

Produced by: Jaxson, Avery and Simone, Jesse,

Music: Lofi-Missing memories , lofi fading away, lofi fly lofi escapie, tranquality lofi. 

Hi, welcome to the House of cards and lgbtq plus podcast. My name is sman and I she they pronounced that is so sexy at use mom. Thank you, Shawny. This is this is gonna be a chaotic recording and we're not even recording the entire say. Yeah, my name is Jackson. I use the pronouns and you know, I was having a I was feeling fine. Now I'm not. The day keeps going spy like that. It does, it does. I feel like just I feel like just right now, like wakes up having a good day and then suddenly my body torrens on itself, like, Oh my God, also me, twenty four seven. Yeah, but like your body's always telling yourself it's only just as buddies, like fine, and then half we just vomiting everything. In a day where I'm like I will never die, I could kill God, I am the most powerful human being, and then suddenly right, it's like, and then's up to my appendix. Boss. Yeah, are you calling? You Right? Yes, you can just know. It's not my fin it's just like a deep rooted knot. I'm thinking I just ate. Something in my body was like MMM, are we disgusting your open next yes, because I'm not in pain. I remember getting the text from Jess in the group champion, like yeah, I think I'm dying. I'm I am lying on the ground at my job in excruciating paid as you should shot. Is the same feeling I get when I'm like hungry, but it's like not hungry cute, just nauseousness. That's kind of sexy. ALLENDEX, if you have to get your apeendix out, let me know, because I we can be twinsies. I think you're gonna be like, I'll take it out for you. I can get mine. Put It in me and what? Um, I think I'll produce myself now. Yeah, yeah, Hi'm Abrian. I have a son. That's what way up I get. It's been a week since you've seen me and I've gone through nine months of pregnancy. Yeah, that sounds like an everything. I am a Bella from twilight. Shit, Oh my God, what we got? Carlisle resume restones, really reese's pieces washing machine I got? I got a Guinea big and then naming beans, and I love him more than life. I love you anyway. Oh, it's coming out of his house now. He's heard his name. I'm gonna he's so. Doesn't guess? Yes, okay, I usure pronouns that. Oh yeah, that too, at any of everything. You need to know that. That's a thing that matters. Yeo, Um, I'M J I use he the produbs and I recently found out what the word for foot fetishes. Pot of feel like that's not something we should be say. Okay, we're sex friendly podcast here, right, yeah, we're sex positive, babe, I feel like. Okay, as a positive that I don't want to have anyway. Yeah, and you will not have sex. If you want to find us, a leakal media. If you want to find us on social media, our only fans is non existent. Our instagram is huse of cards, underscore podcast, our twitter is lgbt underscore deck, our tick tock is house of cards lgbt and our Youtube is house of cards and lgbt deck. I think it's really funny, because and then our website, Oh, our what's sorry,...

I'm sorry, I better. Yeah, and then our shop with merge, designed by Jess and sold by a very capitalism. Hey, I designed one of those. So true, Jackson did design one of them. anyways, like that is https coal and backslash, backslash by House of cards company dot site, backslash. Honestly, that's not a bad idea. That will allow people to find a lot easier. So, yeah, I was gonna say it's funny because only fans isn't, like it wasn't originally like a site. I. Sex Sir. Yeah, like a sex so fu so realiically, if we had it, only could get it. Only man's actually defer, like stop, no, we like a patreon kind. We will never get an only fans, because Simon will assume as three, two thousand and eighteen use it, Helal sexual content from it. Aren't they know? I think they got rid of that Bella Thorns pissed about it. I don't I know. I think I know. I think I heard about the owner being like figuring out that like burs, like a huge percent of the people were going to be leaving the side and they were like, well, do we really want to do that, or will we just joking? Man, bitches, just use patreon now. It's fine anyway. Remember when we had a Patreon? Guys, we still do. Technically, if you were to go to our email figure out the password and which would be our pass with Simone Force made when someone's in charge of social media. Yeah, I still think you could. Password makings a lot better. I feel like I can. Consists of takeing a celebrity a part of their body and something you want to do with it. I feel like your password making it makes sense to somebody who doesn't, but it doesn't make sense to somebody who has to share a password with dude, three other people plus a dyslexic Porson. That's why we mean will talk with all the passwords. For me, it was low key the easiest password code because it was so random. I just knew it. My dock. It's like sonic, it's iconic. Also, I really want to talk about that M I called every out on this being like avery being the favorite host. And if you're like no, I don't like on, you really should follow tick tock, because avery is posting a lot of Hilarious Shit, so it really funny. And then everyone's in a while just will come on and post like three tick tocks in a row. That's something really funny. And then every once in a while you get a touch talk what's simone looking at the camera emotions with an audio playing, just being pretty as they yeah, that's big time, like ground if you look at all of like Simon's Foodeos, the really just a month staring at the camera emotionless. I'm might Burnett, who's losing some filter on. She's a summons. The reason why we have straight people listen to the PODCAST. Yeah, I'm I'm straight bating you are you really are? Yes, Babe, get that out row. And then there's like everything who's and then there's a read here who's like falling over to like. I think one of the funny we gotta get avery like a ring light in a tripot or something. You really taken? No, because I don't know, because that'll that'll ruin the vibe with avery. Yeah, it's true. I kind of does feel like eighty year old grandma discovered the Internet. I think one of my favorite things is a very jack sparrel run, because, like I could totally just see every running like that, like seen every running like that like a you sure that that was supposed to be a jexmare runner? Did Average think, oh, I'll just run like normal? Well, you see, I run like that already because I want to run in a way that's like gay, but not like Bimbo Gay. You know, valid, that makes so much sense. So then my might own my arms just kind of go up and then I'm gone and in your con I do. I think we'll all just make it like I think it's really funning the most of us to making meme drugs and then I just love someone, just everyone's in a while appearing and just doing like one of those random selected ones. Yeah, like the the pretty one. Five. I'M NOT gonna say anything or make any funny like. This is a..., Oh, with the commonest Benifesto. She leans it, leans out in. That is it. That is the entire tick and that is that is the most that is the most summon video I have. If someone was like it describes someone in one video, I would pull that out and I would show it and I would be it exactly. You would pull out. Sorry, anyway. Oh my God, how here? You know what? I'm not blocking. I'm I'm gonna Block your phone from accessing the tech dock. No, I'm also really afraid to put the word come into any captions. Don't not calm like CEO. Any Oh, why? Fine, just heard, because writing know that the second I do smone's gonna text the group Chat. Jesse, you what you think some members the disc the the Tick Tock at all? Do you literally posting on it right now? Homie? Oh, Oh my God, I love that's such a vibe. Right. Yah, know, I have a tick tock I need to make of it, which is about a van. Oh God, yeah, I know, Jackson's sick toalk. Are that making fun of US small? No, no, my fostever tick tock was was when when you are gay, so you have you straight friend to the WOK on your call for you, and then it was my friend and fixing my call. Yeah, well, I just sat there. Yeah, my friend was just like, like, I easily could have done it for myself. Let's you just start doing I'm like, you know what we making a tick tock about? Also, the one I made about me reading a paragraph of that fucking up. That's a lie. I don't actually read the paragraphs off my ipad. I usually go on the skype call with my ipad because the qualities better, but I didn't have my laptop with an arms reach, so I was like, I'll fuck it. I I love you. Like your show reference if how small you are. Well, that's the guy. When people liked like how small I am, I always show them me standing next. Can you, can you give them a height? Can you give can you give the Worle the height? Okay, four foot nine. Fuck, I'll so. Okay. So this is actually a funny story. So for the longest time I thought I was five two and a half. Right, shut up, for the longest time. A couple weeks ago I went to the doctor, just a routine check up. I literally hadn't gone in like five years whatever. So I go to the doctor and she takes my weight and I make a joke or my weight my height. Jesus, she takes my height to make a joke, like Oh, I'm not shrinking yet. I had. She's like, Oh, well, not, a few were already five one, and I legitimately almost started crying in the middle of the fucking reception, like I cannot tell you the devastation I felt. So apparently I'm five one. How over it, how call like you eat? I'm like five for so jess is officially the smallest house. Yeah, I'm like five six and just as those of the oldest house of cuts pepper, she's I'm the youngest, like by De factove. Yeah, I'm looking up celebrities who are five one to give you. Okay, Arion a Grande, apparently on this to sir, lady Dogga, Racial Christen Bell, Carrie Fisher, Vanessa Hodgens, Elliott page fought. Yes, yeah, that's what we need to hear. That's your yeah, I still think it's funny that you are the shortest and the oldest. You did, but it's fine, you know, it fits you. I don't think you're personal. I don't think your personality would make as much sense. If you would like, if you like, six one. Well, that's the thing, is that I am the most way a Chihuahua. Yeah, I hang on here, this is funny. That's why we're not good friend best day. Talking about the tick Tock. I'm the same height as Marco, Robbie and Napoleon, boat apart. That's so hot. Thank you. What...

...did Napoleon do again? He was short, right, he fucked a Walm U. Right. No, no, I don't know. No, those Cusu Columbus, that fucked up Christopher Columbus fucked a lot of animals. Good for him, Napoleon and Christ wasn't he looking a brand for a little bit and then people were like the Emi, the revolution, and then they were like a Oh, and then this Napoleon guy was like come in here. Okay, okay, why? Why did you give me males? I don't just want nails, I want three lessons with the House of cards podcast. Okay, guys, I'm the same height as Eminem Robert Downey Jr, Bruce d she right. I'm five eight, which I got measured recently for my Grad things. Kanye West. Oh, y'all know the weekend Katie Perry and Hathway, Hayley Seinfeld, Jack Fron Ice Cube to baby, like the baby's five eight. I'm sorry any mocky ruffle. You say that you got measured for your Grad thing. Just made me realize that I put in five three as my height for my grist around email. You might want email the quickest. Be Like Hey, hey, look, I know it's like four weeks away. Turns out I'm actually shorter than I thought. I was just caught a couple inches off. It's fine. So I just googled mine as well, because y'all did so I had to. So I got Megan Fox for one. Oh the love of my life. Oh, I'm Tom Holler. I'm Tom Holland, same height. I'm sorry, have to said. I am Tom Holland, same like Betty White. And then this is. This is a real kicker. May she rest in peace. It says I'm the same height as queen a lives a bit the second holy fit. I like. I want't wait. Can I mention? Yeah, I mentioned how we can we mention of betty white is before Queens did. He wanted to die. He didn't. Way, yeah, that he might. His deck deaths is January. At least. My frust like all of it. He turned a hundred. It was devastating. Only I remember because my sister's right betty, no, betty no, Betty Waite died December thirty four, two thousand and twenty one. She died a day before two thousand and twenty two. Y'All, y'all. Jack Black is the same height as me, apparently. Hell Yeah, looks so small all the time. How tall is for three? Not In neither short house of cards is one point four seven meters. So he's a boat bitch. I'm not American, you know. I eaters Arenian. Actually, leaders are Canadian. He's for ten, he's for eight, he's for ten. I'm taller than Daniels of veto, taller than Daniel to Vito. Oh my God, I'm this is the best day of my life. I can die happy. Mentioned the Vito. I think we should like move things over to Samon, who was a resident to Vito. He used to be five foot, but he's been shrinking and come on, yeah, what do you do it today? Up, I'm gonna read y'All some poems because I'm quirky and I'm not reading a story. I don't think jess is either. I hate to tell you. Yeah, well, I can't work, so I was perky. Yeah, I don't know. We don't really know what just is going to do. That's because I don't know what I'm gonna do. Just going to be like I'm gonna read you a story and then it's just robotic ass voice. Gonna be two hours of my Ahd read pullings. That's what it's gonna be. Should I says hurting something? Yeah, and say, Oh, you can save it for your own recording, small for guests. Instead of actually reading something, you could link to the Youtube and you could do an interpretive dance no, I think I would rather not. It's just me doing an interpretive dance over the most depressive nod. It's just an interpretive dance, but it's still on the podcast, so all you can hear is a visual and then the shuffling of Jess. I...

...just thought us to Mesmer for some but this episode isn't about Jess. This is about SMOM, smon exactly. Anything else you got you want to say about your poems, Your Gay Pot? Yeah, okay, I'm just gonna say what I'm reading. I'm going to be reading like totally whatever by Melissa Lazada, Olivia, marrying the hangman, my Margaret Atwood, and Song of the pretty bird by She Alexei Stewart. Those all sounds so gay. They're stre good. Hay Man, that is a bomb ass final on, so good. I'll have thought everything. Really, that's a bombas poem like. That's how you know a reason English teacher. I have. I've not read them, I've heard the first one. It fell so good. We are going to let Simone get into the storytelling. Yeah, you know the Batabooi. In case you haven't realized, it has somehow become necessary for old white men to tell me how to speak. They like interrupt a conversation that isn't even theirs, and are like speak like you mean it and like the Internet is ruining the English language, and they put my parentheticals, my likes and ums and you knows on a weight list. Tell them nobody will take them seriously in a freely pink dress or that makeup. Tell them they have a confidence problem, that they should learn to speak up. Like the hyper masculine words were always the first to raise their hands invisible red pens and college degrees have been making their way into the middle of my sentences. I've been crossing things out every time I take a moment to think. Declarative sentences, so called because they declared themselves to be the loudest, most truest, most taking up the most space, most totally white man sentences have always told me that being angry as never helped, like anybody, has only gotten in the way of helping them declare more shit about how they'll never be forgotten. Like ever, it's like F Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway were geniuses for turning women into question marks. It's like rapes up and all the time on campuses, but as soon as John Krak are writes about it, suddenly it's like innovative nonfiction and like not something girls are making up for, like attention, and it's maybe I'm always speaking in questions because I'm so used to being cut off. Like maybe this is a defense mechanism. Maybe everything girls do was an evolution of defense mechanism, like this is our protection, like our likes are our neat pads, are ums, are the knives we talk into our boots at night are, you knows, our best friends we call when we're walking down a dark alley, like this is how we breathe easier. But I guess feelings never helped anybody. I guess, like tears never make change. I guess, like everything girls do, is a waste of time. So Welcome to the bandwagon of my own uncertainty. Watch as I stick flowers into your punctuation marks guns, because you can't just challenge authority, you have to take it to the mall to teach it to do the bend and snap, paint its nails, bred its hair, tell it it looks like really good today, and in that moment before you murder it with all the poison in your like softness, you let it know that like this, like this moment, is like, you know, me, using my voice, marrying the hangman by Margaret Atwood. She has been condemned to death by hanging. A man may escape this death by becoming the hangman, a woman by marrying the hangman. But at the present time there is no hangman. Thus there is no escape, there's only a death, infidelity postponed. This is not fantasy, it is history. To live in prison is to live without mirrors. To live without mirrors as to live without the self. She is living selflessly. She finds a hole in the sown wall and on the other side of the wall of voice, the voice comes through darkness and has no foice. This voice becomes her mirror. In order to avoid her death, her particular death...

...with wrung neck and swollen tongue, she must marry the hangman, but there is no hangman. First she must create him. She must persuade this man at the end of the voice, this voice she has never seen in which has never seen her this darkness. She must persuade him to renounce his face, exchange it for the impersonal mask of death, of official death, which has eyes but no mouth, this mask of a dark leper. She must transform his hand so that they will be willing to twist the rope round throats that have been singled out, as hers was, for Oats other than hers. She must marry the hangman or no one, but that is not so bad. Who else is there to marry? You wonder about her crime. She was condemned to death for stealing clothes from her employer, from the wife of her employer. She wished to make herself more beautiful. This desire, and servants was not legal. She uses her voice like a hand. Her voice reaches through the wall, stroking and touching. Ah. What could she possibly have said that would have convinced him he was not condemned to death, freedom awaited him. What was the temptation? The one that worked? Perhaps he wanted to live with a woman whose life he had saved, whom he had seen down in the earth but had nevertheless followed him back up to life. It was his only chance to be a hero to one person at least, for if he had become the hangman, the others would despise him. He was in prison for wounding another man. What on one finger of the right hand with a sword. This too is history. My friends, who are both women, tell me their stories, which cannot be believed in which are true. They are horror stories and they have not happened to me. They have not yet happened to me. They have happened to me, but we are detached. We Watch our unbelief with horror. Such things cannot happen to us. It is afternoon in these things do not happen in the afternoon. The trouble was, she said, I didn't have time to put my glasses on, and without them I'm blind as a bat. I couldn't even see who it was. These things happen and we just sit at a table and tell stories about them so we can finally believe. This is not fantasy, it is history. There is more than one hangman and because of this, some of them are unemployed. He said, the end of the walls, the end of the ropes, the opening of doors, a field, the wind, a house, the sun, a table, an apple. She said Nipple, arms, lips, wine, belly, are bread, thighs, eyes, eyes. They both kept their promises. The hangman is not such a bad fellow. Afterwards, he goes through to the refrigerator and cleans up the leftovers, though he does not wipe up what he accidentally spills. He wants only the simple things. A chair, someone to pull off his shoes, someone to watch him while he talks with admiration and fear, gratitude if possible, someone in whom to plunge himself for the rest and renewal he needs. These things can best be had by marrying a woman who has been condemned to death by other men for wishing to be beautiful. There's a wide choice. Everyone said he was a fool, everyone said she was a clever woman. They would use the word and snare. What did they first say together in the same room? What did he say when she had removed her veil and he could see that she was not a voice, but a body and therefore finite? What did she say when she discovered that she had left one locked room for another? They talked of love, naturally, though that did not keep them busy forever. The fact is, there are no stories I can tell my friends that will make them feel better. History cannot be erased, although we can soothe ourselves by speculating about it. At that time there were no female hangmen, perhaps there have never been any, and thus no man could save his life by marriage, though woman could according to the law. He said foot, boot, order, city, fist,...

...roads, thyme, knife. She said water, night, willow, rope, hair, earth, belly, cave, meat, shroud open blood. They both kept their promises. The song of the pretty bird by Shay Alexey Stewart. I've lived twenty pretty bird years of this great, great, big pretty bird life and I think I pretty, pretty, pretty bird bird pretty much know what I'm talking about. People like to poke fun at my Pretty Bird, pretty preening, at my pretty, pretty bird pretty feathers. But look at my long, clean coat, at my pretty, pretty bird pretty pink legs. When pigeon men track me Cross Sky Highway, they are happy to trace hungry orange eyes between my pretty, pretty bird bird feathers, to too busy fantasizing, pretty bird, wet dreams, swollen chest, fluff fest to poke too pretty, Poke Bird Fun, to pretty, Poke Fun Bird, to pretty bird bird, pretty bird bird, pretty, pretty, pretty, too busy fantasizing to poke fun at permanently preening pretty bird. My vanity is in Santa Day, unless it helps you get, get you off. What a treat. Hosting eyes between my thiyes. They will spend equal time begging to share bed with me. Condemning Mediocrity. How does one achieve complexity when all she was ever taught to be was basic pigeon? Man Wants Pretty Bird to be pretty bird until pretty bird fulfills ideals of prettiness. Then she's too pretty, pretty bird bird paralyzing and greened. Look at my long, clean coat, at my pretty, pretty bird pretty painful legs. Track me cross sky highway. Take a picture. I beg you, take a picture. Pretty Bird, pretty bird. My left side is my best side. I have a best side, I have a better half. I am a half pretty because they want a pretty bird. Bird. I grew up on a diet of bread crumbs and catalog clippings and sidewalk cracks. How do you expect anything else? Pretty sure I know what I'm talking about. Pretty sure? Pretty sure? Maybe not? Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, can I ask a question? Sorry, sorry, May I, May I pretty bird used to sing. Baby Bird used to sing. Baby Bird was pretty bird before pretty bird learned to be pretty, and baby bird could compose whole symphonies. Cute integracies, melodies, capturing facious poetryes. But the reviews came in and they prefer to apology. So she shrank, learned to make herself small enough to neatly fit back in her eggshell, to Tiptoe a top egg shells, expanded flight just long enough for pigeon men to track her cross sky highway. But she still sang too loud. So they caged her up for her pretty, pretty bird, birdy long clean coat, for her pretty, Pretty Bird, pretty pink legs, and they said Sing, Pretty Lady, sing, but I forgot how. So I said Pretty Pretty Bird, Bird, look at my long clean coat, at my pretty pretty bird, pretty pink legs. But they were bored of me.

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