House of Cards: An LGBTQIA2+ Podcast
House of Cards: An LGBTQIA2+ Podcast

Episode 85 · 3 months ago

House of Cards: LGBTQIA2+ Myths and Stories: Dysphoria Love Letter

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Today we round off our LGBTQIA2+ Stories with Jesses, Dysphoria Love Letter by Parker Adams and it was amazing. We all hope you enjoyed todays epsidoes and this series we've been working on, and we hope to see you next week with a speical guest. Remember you are vaild as fuck, and stay gay.

Twitter: @LGBT_deck

Instagram: @houseofcards_podcast

Tiktok: @houseofcardslgbt

Written by Avery Ann

Edited by Jaxson Stiles

Produced by: Jaxson, Avery and Simone, Jesse,

Music: Lofi-Missing memories , lofi fading away, lofi fly lofi escapie, tranquality lofi, ( No Copyright ) Sad Violin Background Music

Hello, friends, welcome back to the House of cards podcasts and l dbtq podcast, where we talk about everything queer and Quirky. That's that's it. My name is Jess. I use he the pronouns, and I'm having a very, very, very very good day. It's a good day for the gays. Is it good day? I'm Averrian. I used to her pronouns someone carrying my door earlier and I ignore them and now I'm paranoid that they're like reading, because I just say it's me. Open Up. I'm Jackson an say, I'm sorry, savory. Say. Anyways, I'm gay. Oh, I hope okay, I'm Jackson. I. You stay him pronounced, and I'm the opposite of Jess, not only by a pronouns, because I'm having a very bad day. Oh So, I will thank you. Some of my I think. I think me and just so like enforcellly connected with that. If Jess has a good day, I have a bad day. If I have a good day, just as a bad day. So like we from. Never we can never be we can never both have a good day. Rip The day that we both have a good day is the day that the spacetime continuum shatters. Yeah, yeah, that's the day when everything ends. But you know, I'm surprisingly not like as burnt out, like my social battery is definitely burnt out, because me and Jackson had our graduation this weekend and now we have diplomas. Yeah, now we have a week of school still and diplomas. He so the House of cards is almost all free from high school, which is pretty exciting. You can or time to actually like do things for the podcast. Yeah, right, yeah, I finally have time to do things for the podcast. You mean more than just draw a single sticker? I'm just casually burnt out because, you know, chronic university. I was. I also think it's for me that no, no offense. Avery's like scared that there's like a creepy man outside. Well, avery is like creepily by the door like every like every once in a while looking through the window. A very was the creepy man all along. It's like it's like the yellow wallpaper. We should see a creepy woman looking on the round. It's really just herself. It's not a creepy yeah, I just like it's a person, you know, so a creepy person. Hi, I'm a social shit, non, okay, I got I'll get my promotion caught out. If you want to see up yet social because we don't like people, you can follow our instagram at House of cards, UNDERSCO podcast on twitter at lgbt underscore deck. A Tick Tock at House of cards, lgbt. That is way you can see a very slowly enter a more maddening state. Thanks. It's also with a yellow wallpaper. Takes this inspiration. I don't know. Have Dr to talk about the Oh my God, it's like my favorite. It's my favorite story, story, story. I actually haven't read it. Really it's amazing. Yeah, I've heard it's really good. I'm looking it. I would die for it. If you want to find out, watch it's at by B why, House of cards company dot site. Please do not, please, as I know someone like Jess would go be why B why? How it is by as in B why? And then it is house of cost to company out site. And...

...if you like to CR Youtube, which has nothing, for unsotain reasons. Actually, there are soo two reasons I just don't feel like calling someone out right now. Are Youtube, is house of cards and nogbute and lgbtq deck and this later. I'm I'm like crrently doing a reading comp on it because I have to like do shit with it. I might be writing, I might be writing my poma on it. So who oh, yeah, because you're doing your English, I'm doing my bio and my social diplomas I didn't have to do my bio diploma. Yeah, I'm kind of stressed out about it. Actually, I'm more stressed out about the social diploma because with the bio it's like it's like it's a right and wrong answer thing. With the social it's like you have I'm Cher. Yeah, I'm like I really like writing papers and stuff and I'm usually pretty good at it, but I think about it it lately and I don't know why. If you think about it, the social diploma is only what the five percent each? Yeah, I know, but like, like was case scenario, your grade goes down by ten percent. What's your social grade right now? Calling you out jess's excellent question. Probably seventy something. Okay, so like you failed the diploma. Absolutely get is zero. You go down to a to a sixty. So you know, yeah, could be worse. Hey, we what's your social monk right now? If reason in high school? Yeah, even you're going back to high school? I don't think so, Michelle. Also, I feel way too close to the door, so I'm actually going to hide upstairs in my room. Could I do just in case they come back? Why is my brain like this right now? What's happening? I hate to tell you, I think I'm I'd have to do with you having OCD. Oh, just a hut, just a hunt, one hundred percent. Imagine, like just a very just like laying in bed at like why am I like this? And I like there's a part of a very gray and it's like it's because we have OCD, and she's like, Oh shit, right, fun fract just that's Youst over the having an obsession before like that. I basically that was like, Oh dude, it was fucking wild. See, I like weird. It really was. I was like feeling anxious and I was like, Oh, this feels like I'm having an obsessing episode. But then it was like, but what am I obsessing over? I was like, I can't think of anything I'm obsessing over, and then I slowly like analyze, like psychoanalyze the shit out of myself. Kase, I was nothing more but atoms and wow, that's I realized that I was obsessing over obsessing. And when I realize that, then I started obsessing with the fact that I was obsessing over obsessing, and then I started having an anxiety attack. This man illness has lay as you like an you're like an onion. I really I thought that means you think about how I get anxious about being anxious, and then I get anxious about being anxious about being anxious because, like, I'll be anxious and then I'll be like, Oh shit, I shouldn't be anxious right now, anxious right now because I'm panicking. And so then I'll get anxious about being anxious and then I'm thinking how dumb it is that scared doing the thing that I'm afraid to be doing, then I'm gonna do it worse. So I now I'm afraid of being afraid. So now I'm afraid of being afraid of being afraid, and then my depression comes in and it's like you're faking this entire thing and you should die, and I'm like bet. So, you know, it's a it's a fun syd comes in like Oh Shit, look at that butterfly. I don't think I have it. So I took the this, this is online autism quit test. Right, they're like a one, and it's like if you get about of sixty five, you most like you most likely have it. Right. I got a one hundred and fifty. Oh, I always got a hundred over the bare minimum that it was basically like you should call your doctor right now. Just just call your doctor. That one I got. I got a hundred.

But Oh, cd what autism are like freakishly similar. Yeah, well, what's the what's the quiz called? Like our a ads? Yeah, I can't watchim test. All the RADS are test. Yeah, yeah, I know it's because also, Adhd is kind of close to autism. Is a not. It's really all just like one giant web. Right, all very similar, but they have very like men a differences. It's like how, like bpd is kind of just every mental disorder and a little okay package. But I feel like, sorry, cat got deep super fact. I feel like we can't just srive mental illnesses in that way, because I'd think describing that like any tear in your heart is the exact same. That's true. That's like saying all cancers the same. I mean I guess it's not an end of the day. It is, but yeah, that's a mental there things a tear my heart. Sorry. At the at the end of the day, all meant illnesses are somewhat like the same, but they're not, and they cause different things and they are different. Let levels of dangerous, like in this call, each of us are different. Have different levels of danger due to ement illness. Yeah, and Physical Elma Amen said, except time like at the highest I'm like the best, particularly yeah, a very finally basically got a diagnosis. Can you tell the fact that I diagnosed myself? And I basically did I even tell y'all. I basically I went into those doctor's office. He was like, so, I've been told that you have after signosis, and I was like Yep, and then he like asked me to do some stuff and I was already doing it and I was like telling him my history and everything, and he was like, have you heard of a reaper Malalda? And I just started like rambling off all these lists of facts and like comorbidities that it's been associated with and like the risks of it and what like the likelihood is, and he just kind of like sat there and like stared at me. It's like, well, the fuck you here. Then he's he's he's sitting here, like I went to twelve years of ment school to be told, to be lectured by this small seen year old with purple hands, and he basically looked at me. He was like yeah, I think you're right, I think you're right. So, yeah, I diagnosed myself. Yeall, I love that. And I was like me walking into urgent care, like I have a decide this, and they're like I'm not. Yeah, sure. I'm like I have it to get out there, like you're a feel your kids. Test don't show any infection. And then I get to the hospital the next day I'm like take it out, I have it there, like we're still not sure, and like two days after my surgery, I was like I fucking told Y'all. That's that's like how just you also went to Austin was like I'm mentally ill and they were like no, you're not. Oh yeah, no. Then they were like go home and I was like, Oh, what if I kill myself? Okay, way, way, way, hold on, hold up, we could be liable. From see, I'm like to fucking five years ago though, when I was seeing not five years ago, four years ago, nope, three, three year I can't do that. Three years ago I was seeing an a relative and he would let me go to you like and I was like no, I still think there's still something we are going on with my nervous system, and he was like you're a hypochondriac, and then like literally laughing. You're not wrong. Weeks ago I was diagnosed with a rare neurovascular disease. You should print that out and then like like copy it like a million times and put it all over his office. See all that. I all that I'm all of time thinking about right now is this doctor. WHO This how will do this Doctor Look Avery? He was like forties. Okay, so this doctor has been in school for twelve years, has been doing medical school for probably close to eight years. Has Been in the business for over twenty years, or just over twenty years. And this eight ten he like suggest this illness and this eighteen year old educates to...

...basically man's plain to this doctor his illness. He suggested, I know that everyone's doing, man's plained by a gay teenager and he's like what the fuck is? Well, I know avery was doing it to like show that she knows what it is. Yeah, and all of that, but it's actually bring like when you're not only gay, a woman and have like a chronic disease or something that's like people can't diagnose, you have to make people listen to you. Oh, I complain, all right. I'm not saying you're in the run in anyway. I just think that that is hilary again. I've done the exact same thing and I totally would have. But I think it's really funny that it's just like to the what the fuck was my sixten years schooling for her? You want to take my God Dad and PhD to you want this jest my office. Technically justice to a PhD. It's MD. Yeah, I've been saying, like PhD is a philosophy doctorate. MD's a medical doctor. I don't know. So they can't practice medicterity. Gonna give me a med like a men's side right, nursing my dam self. That's when you go to the Medical School of coming. That's really I'll get a coming show on my I'll get a coming sweater because I went there wildly off track. We cante no, I know so getting to the top. We still we still touch lovely story, use about ourselves. But what if we talk about some gay stories? Yeah, I just stop recording. Why is that the end? That's the end. That's just now. Oh, I don't need to get to introduce what I'm doing. Okay, never mind, enjoy all just cries. Just come and cry right now. Is that a challenge? Of Kidding? I haven't cried and well, you cried on Sunder that's what true. I cried on Saturday. What is that? Is that when you saw Avi at your graduation? Yeah, yes, you really, yeah, a yeah, yeah, just going down stage to get the diploma. Looks over, sees every waving, just bawling because I walked like out of like the place and like up the stairs and I was literally holding hands with my middle school bully and we were talking to like, Oh my God, like a as we made it, like look at us go, like I'm so proud of each other and you know whatever. It was such a weird experience. And then I got up the stairs on my fucking wife there I'm like, Holy Shit, ivery's like I hits the ride with the prostitute. My birds are like how long did the bus take, she's like twenty minutes or like whatwent even minutes? That's not long at all. I Walk my doctor's office today. It was only thirty minutes. See every day, if you can soce me, because she's like yeah, I have to be really careful with temperature, and then she'll like go on walks for like five hours and not be seeing from every like I can't go outside often Becau, because my body will literally seze or heat to death at any moment. Also, avery at Eddie, given moment in forest, Avery's like a dog who's like, who's like you get fed, you get attention, you get loved. As soon as the door wins runs all. Believe me, I had to apply my pain point, my pain creams, like three times on my walk today and it was only thirty minutes. Anyway. It's just your brains, just like we wouldn't have to be doing that. If we didn't have to be doing that, if you fucking listened. But you know, if we were, actually the fun made it worse, but it died. Jess Jesse, you were saying. I was Oh, whose episode is this again? It's by episode. I'm having an APAIT. No, that's not having an episode. That's Yikes, after the CAP. Why hasn't? Why isn't? Just been on the PODCAST for three months? Don't worry about it.

Why about it? I'm here the three you. Yeah, you just been editing me out. I've justood. Yeah, this is actually really funny. It's like actually just I don't know if you here that we made that same joke with Simone that I've just been editing out. Simone, you're just gonna start getting rid of us. Actually just this fuck. This is actually just been me and avery the entire time. Yeah, everyone out of while will was laugh randomly at something and no one knows why we're laughing. Everyone thinks we're clinically insane. No, I edit that point out every it's literally just me and you speaking. Would it would have one of your that way the episodes, knowing how much I fucking talk. Yeah, I know, we actually go down from having an hour line episode to twenty minutes. anyways. Yeah, today's my episode. I'm going to be reading possibly two stories. I don't know how long the first one is going to take. So if it doesn't like take up the time, then or read another one. But it's yeah, that's the whole point. Um, it's short story called this for you as love letter, is written by Parker Adams and it won contest on a website for okay, for gay for us called, I think gay works. It won't tell me what the contest was, but it won. Congratulations, so I'd rather not. How fuck my kneepap every sign and then, if that doesn't take long enough, I'll choose another one, and if that doesn't happen, then this will be edited out. I feel like some moon really left and took our brain. So, yeah, I can we talk about how just just was like, don't wait, Jackson will let edit it out. Like, excuse me, hello, I don't edit the fuck it. Do you think I know how to edit? I can't figure out how to change my fucking background on skype. But okay, Boyd that's really funny because just you, I find him making you the second editor. Eventually. Yeah, what you want me to put? Oh, you want me to put aver, your somemone in charge of it. I cannot. I got someone could do it some on. Yeah, I'm so shumone could do it. I don't trust the moment with it. Okay, I could go and listen to the episode even to be come, come, come, come, loop. This comes, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, Cup comes that over and over and over again. Feel like we should put that on the Youtube. It's thet say. I would like this is. This is an ass for anybody listening to this right now. Please go through all of the and add it out. Ever's good times. Someone who said the word Com and then just put it into a compilation. Jess, you have to the podcast. Bhoo, did I scare you? Hey, they're friends. It's just today I'm going to be reading my short story that I just introduced. I'm kind of just passing time right now because I don't know if it's going to be long enough and honestly, I'm not looking forward to having to read,...

...because we all know that I can't do that. I decided to do a short story that focuses on what it's like to be transgender individual. This is called the story is Love Letter, and it was written by Parker Adams. Content warning for Transphobia and mention of suicide and toxic relationships from a little racial relationships. Yeah, let's let's just get into it, I guess. When she cries, you try to ignore it's hard, granted, most people don't like hearing young girls cry, but you have no other choice. Nothing you can do will ever make her stop. She's been crying for as long as you can remember, determined to remind you of the things you did. Of course, her the cause for her crying, aren't you? Who else would listen to a young girl cry until she was nothing more than a melody that allows you to sleep every night? When her mother begs to see her, you have to tell her that she's been gone a long time. Of course you know that's not true. She sits at the bottom of your bed each night, hands pressed against your eyes, and part of you is grateful. You know that if you saw her bright Hazel eyes filled with confusion and hurt that only an innocent child's eyes can hold, you'd break. But when it comes to your mother, you have to lie. If you told her the truth about how the young girl hasn't left her side, you know that her eyes would never leave your side and you would stare at you her Hazel Eyes and pick you apart until you were nothing but fractured bones in the ashes of the love she once had for you. She'd bury, she'd bury her new found hatred for you in the midst of your ribs, and she cry about how you killed her baby. How could you do it? She was just a little girl. Sometimes, when you look in the mirror, it's her staring back. Her eyes are empty, haulow it out by the theft of time, and you're scared that yours look just the same. Has It all been for nothing? Her? You just empty. You lift your hand up and graze over the mirror, and it isn't until it is her hand, her small child hand, pressed against yours that you break. Amongst all of the ashes of your mother's love is guilt. All you've ever wanted with your mother to hold you the same way that she held her daughter once, but somewhere as you grew up, blurred the line between being happy and loved, until you've found out that there was no combination of the two, and suddenly you're stuck in the same place you started, silently praying that you could will away the parts of you that were unlovable. The Mirror becomes a graveyard that holds everything that you can't bring yourself to say after a night of running away from your own fears with nothing more than alcohol and marijuana. You stumble back to the very mirror that you stood in front of all those years ago, and she stares back. You can't quite separate herself, yourself from her. Is that how it's always been? Is that why your mother always spits at you with disgust? Is because every time she looks at you, she sees the skeleton of the child you she's convinced you've murdered. The scissors in your hand feel heavy the same way they did all those years ago. It's not just about your hair being too long, it's about looking too much like her and not enough like you. Even a decade later, you're still trying to escape her. You can out run the past, it will always come back for you. God, I'm sorry. Chunks of your hair line the sink, and it's short of this time around, but the same freeing feeling settles in your chest. It feels like cutting the rope off around your throat and taking control once again. She never loved me, I was never here.

Her voice is deeper than you remember. It's strange to hear her once again. Her voice was once a Lullaby that would pull you down to your knees, praying to a God that neither of you believed in. She misses you. She's just scared of the truth. It's been your fisc collides with a mirror and it fractures beneath the pressure. Her Gaze is splintered between the pieces and she looks older now, closer to your age, but not quite there. But she doesn't look how you look, like how you did back then. Was This who you were supposed to be? Ten years, ten fucking years, and she still wants you. Her love isn't worth our happiness. Our. You try to fight the disbelief in your voice, but it was never our. It was always her versus you, never our. Do you really think I would still be alive if you didn't show up? As if you lift your gaze up, she looks less like yourself and more like you. The emptiness slowly drips out from between her eyes, but it's still there. You know it all too well. You are that same confusion for years. It took so long for you to get where you are now, but she is where you started. And why are you so determined to torture me? She's Rut she shrugs and you know it's not a question she can answer. You try not to hold it against her. You were the only person she had for years and you were the only one who was able to find your solace. She's not intentionally trying to haunt you. She's scared to let go. Letting go means letting go of everything she was meant to be. It meant letting go with everything that she thought was her future. We eat cheese, the voice of her demons linger at the pit of your stomach and you feel with a hollowness that was once your only friend. Her Hands Tremble as your fingers pressed against her lips, imagining the taste, a flash of agrete crosses your face, but you try to hide it. You don't need to scare her with her consequences. Almost every day our fiances Mac and cheese and it would be a crime not to eat it. You try not to smile, but even in the deepest, darkest moments like the like these, his love seeped through. On the nights you miss your mother, he tells you about his. His family has shifted dust enough to make space for you, arms wide enough to welcome you when you need it. It's not the same, but it's the thought. He tries to make you feel loved. He knows that your heart aches for one thing only, and he tries so hard to fill it. He loves US so much. He talks about getting married every single day and he gets a stupid smile on his face whenever I call on my husband. You wrap your arms around your body and it's the closest thing you can get to hugging her. We have a future. It's a matter of fact, but both of you know it's as surprise. Before you made space for yourself and her body, there was nothing more than a ticking time palm. When you began to make yourself there, feel at home, you turned off the bomb, but the first confession of who you were, a future began to pay itself in front of you. Yeah, Your Voice Cracks of the weight of your past suicide letter and you aren't sure if the years belong it's the tears belong to you or her. Your body feels cold and you shiver despite the warmth of summer's air. The first time in a decade it's silent. You're not sure how long you sit there, curled into yourself the world around you seems to slowly creep by. Clock's carrying the...

...world forwards. Despite spending a decade trying to escape the past, you sit in it. You drag your nails along your arm the same way your mother did once, and press your hand against your cheek, stroking it gently. It's not the same as being held, but it's the closest you can get. Your phone vibrates and you ignore the part of it that hopes it's an apology from her mother, because it'll never come. The smallest childlike part of you hopes, but you know that it won't. As you lifted up, the black screen shows you your face and for once you're no longer staring at skeleton of a child's you believe you killed. Stare back at you. You with the fiance, say, you with dreams of being a father and loving the child more than anything. You what's the future? It was never really her versus you. It was being loved versus being happy. In despite it all, you still found both.

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